I remember when we first met: it was in an alley, out of sight of the grown-ups - after all, i was only 10 years old i shouldn't have been seeing you at all. and you've been faithful i could always count on you being there in a moment of crisis - you were there, by my side, through the good times and the bad.
but i've always come back to you you have an almost irresistible quality for me.
i know we've had our ups and downs, and there were times when i put you out of my life for a time our longest break-up was over three years. We've had a long relationship in fact, ours is one of the longest-lasting relationships i've had in my life - we've been together off and on for 35 years now. you always had it your way now i realize that i can't afford to be with you any more. looking back, i realize that i was wrong about you, and about who was in control in our relationship. Relephant: Fight or Die: Finding My Light Through the Darkness of Addiction.It's over between us, this time for good. I am not going to stop working in this field (until I am burnt out and need to leave in order to continue taking care of myself). I hope not going to stop reaching my hand out to the newcomer, trying again and again to give them even a microscopic portion of what I’ve gained throughout my recovery. I am not going to stop spreading a message of hope. I am not going to stop stepping into the light. You don’t stop when we try to take our own lives, because it seemed that suicide was the only solution to this never ending insanity. You don’t stop when we are shaking, physically withdrawing from your chemicals. You don’t stop even when we are lying broken on the floor, crying and begging for mercy. Waiting to pounce at any given moment…waiting to take hold of our sanity and our serenity, down to a visceral level, when we turn out backs for just one second. They say that when we are sitting in meetings (12-step programs), you are outside in the parking lot doing push ups.
You would think I would stop being surprised as I hear about overdose after overdose… countless lives that you’ve taken hostage and pursued until the gates of death.īut, my dear addiction, I see you for what you are. You would think I would have accepted this by now-that you want us dead-after battling with you my entire life. I find it nearly impossible to surrender again. But as I bear witness to you ripping through the lives of my friends, my family members, and my patients. I had to admit my complete powerlessness over you in order to release your grip on my existence. Where do I even begin? It’s hard for me to write this letter because I know that saying goodbye to you is futile, just like trying to control you. I, too, am an alcoholic in recovery and decided that if I ask my patients to do this, I should do it too. Author’s note: I am a substance abuse counselor at an intensive outpatient rehabilitation facility, and one of the psychoeducational activities I have my patients do is writing a “goodbye letter” to their addiction.
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